Info for Non-ADDer’s

Someone sent me a copy of Ben Stein’s final column Mondays at Morton’s (a really great column)

As I was reading it my mind was drawn to the conversation I had on Monday with my ADHD support group of “Why do ADHD people often find it hard to focus on someone other than themselves?”   I am not sure why this thought jumped into my head but what came up was that maybe what spouses and others often see as selfishness in those with ADD is not just due to unawareness of social cues but also because just to survive and get through each day as a person with ADD they have to focus on themselves to stay focused and accomplish what they need to do each and every day to survive in the non-ADD world.  In putting all their energy into making it thru the day they often do not have the energy and focus left to share it with family and friends. 

So what is the answer?  I don’t know if I did I might be monetarily rich.  It might be finding ways and tools to reduce the stress and amount of energy required by the ADD person to get through the day would then allow them to have more of themselves left to share with others around them. 

What are your thoughts?  Click on comments and share them with me.

Coach Deb

How do you know if your relationships whether friendships or intimate are a good relationship for you?  Chere Bork a coach friend of mine wrote the following which I thought was brilliant.  I have paraphrased it to fit my audience

Stop and think about the people in your life which ones make you happy? I bet they are people you loved and cared about most. What if you thought about the people in your life being like fabric.   Would they be like thick, rich, and soft velvet?  Do you feel like their support and the memories wrap around your body and support you in the good days and not so good days? Do they listen to you.  They appreciate and acknowledge you?  They respect you for who you are and they don’t try to change you.

On the other hand, people who judge you, try to change you and try to control you may be like rough, scratchy burlap fabric. They judge and tolerate you.

So, if you want to be happier take a relationship inventory.

Ask yourself these 5 questions:

1. Can I be the real me when I with this person?
2. Does this person share my top three values?
3. Do I use my gifts when I am with this person?
4. Do I feel I can honestly say what I want to say to this person without being judged?
5. Do I have integrity (doing what is right physically and emotionally) when I am with this person?

When you remove the “burlap people” from your life, you will have the time and energy for connections with people who touch your heart and make you feel like velvet. Who do you want to have more of in your life? Your call to action is to call them today. And, remember if you want to be loved, you need to show up lovable!

This is a great test to share with kids and teens as they start to gain new friends that you might not be familiar with. 

Coach Deb

I was just reading the newsletter from a health and nutrition coach Chere Bork she shared this with her readers and I wanted to pass on these great tips on to you.

5 tips for marriage

1. An ability to change and tolerate change.
2. A willingness to live with the things one can’t change. (The BIGGEST challenge for sure).
3. Trust between the partners.
4. A balance of power.
5. A shared history that is cherished.

Source: Married People: Staying Together in the Age of Divorceby Francine Klagsburn

I think mumber 2 and number four are the hardest ones for the non-ADD spouse in couples with ADD in the relationship. What do you think?  Write back and let’s get a dialog started.

Click to add a comment and let me know your thoughts.

My husband would add for they guys do the unexpected. (no it is not what you think)  Buy flowers without a special occasion, if spouse has been out of town and you miss them or you know they have had a hard day, or week stop and pick up a small bouquet or a single rose.  (Do you know their favorite flower?)

Deb

I just showed Rick Lavoie’s F.A.T. City workshop to my support groups and one of the things that was most impressive to the attendee’s was the definition of fairness and how parents, teachers and society do not really understand the meaning of fairness. 

I am as guilty as anyone at thinking that fairness means equality across the board.  I learned it from my parents everyone gets the same thing, or the same amount so that you don’t hear “that’s not fair”. 

Well the meaning of fairness is each individual get what he or she needs.  So your spouse or child who has ADD may need more attention and help completing a project, homework or more money to get the support of a coach, tutor, or therapist because that is what they need to succeed.  Your non-ADD child or you as the non-ADD spouse may not need the therapist, coach or tutor.  Lavoie goes on to say that many parents beat themselves up and drive themselves crazy trying to keep thing fair because we have the wrong meaning attached to fairness.   Would you give someone CPR if they didn’t need it just because someone else in the room needed it, and would you not give CPR to someone who needed it just because I don’t need it? You would only give the CPR to the person who needs it.  We need to help people understand what fairness really means from kids to teachers to society in general.

What can you do to help teach those you touch about fairness?  Where do you have to change things you are doing in your life to reflect the meaning of fairness instead of equality?

Remember: Fairness=giving each individual what they need.

Coach Deb

I was recently listening to a tele-class on Marriage and Relationships with ADHD by Melissa Orlov.  As she was discussing issues one of them was about action, reaction, and reaction.  In the discussion she was talking about the fact that the non-ADHD spouse wanted to change the ADHD spouse so and may not be happy until the ADHD was totally gone.  As we know this is not possible there will always be ADD in the relationship.   Sooo… the question in my head became what degree of ADD traits are you willing to accept in your relationship?  You know that the ADHD is not going to be gone there is not cure for ADHD so how do you find that acceptable balance for your relationship?  You have to be able to accept the ADD spouse.

How do you get to the acceptance place?  What would happen if both partners sat down and listed the 5 top issues they have with their spouse?  Once you have the top five ADD issues that really bug you about your spouse for the non-ADD spouse and the top five issues the ADD spouse has with the non-ADD spouse, then define what you could accept in those behaviors. What will be acceptable to you what can you live with and still love your spouse?

Sit down and each of you shares your list with each other.  Listen without a response until they are totally finished.  Now reverse the roles.  Discuss what you are willing to do and come to reasonable and realistic agreement. Having done this how will your the relationship and communication differ going forward?  You might also ask each other how would you like me to let you know if I feel the agreement is not being honored.

I would love to hear your responses and what happens when you try this.  The biggest part for me was recognizing the fact that the ADD will not go away so what am I willing to accept.  You fell for the person because of some of the ADD traits so which traits do you want to see more of or which traits are you missing that use to be there?

A Not-To Do List

An interesting article just came across my e-mail.  It was talking about the 80/20 rule and how statistics say that 80 percent of our results come from 20 percent of our actions.

So what would happen if we created a Not-To-Do list to spend more of our time and energy on the 20 percent by making a list of the things we should not do will that tip the scales?

Questions to ask:

• How would this apply to those with ADHD? 
• How would it help the relationship of those who have an ADDer’s in their lives?
• Would it decrease distractions for those with ADHD?
• Where would you post your Not-To-Do list?

What would be on your Not -To-Do list?

• Don’t get angry
• Don’t keep up the negative self talk
• Don’t beat myself up
• Don’t blame people and things when something goes differently than you expect
• Don’t hold a grudge
• Don’t watch the news?
• Don’t watch so much TV
• Don’t spend time on e-mails
• Don’t spend time on computer games
• Don’t gossip
• Don’t spend time texting and talking on the phone
• Don’t say yes to things that suck my energy from me

I am sure you can add more to your own list.

As a spouse, parent or significant other of an ADDer would a Not-To-D0 list change how you view that ADHD gifted person in your life?  Would it keep you from being like when a child brings home 4 A’s and 1 B on a report card and most parents say, “Why didn’t you get all A’s?”   How many of us say, “4 A’s, great job!” 

As the non-ADDer are we always looking at only the 80 percent? Are we always looking at the negative?  What happens if we focus on the positive?  What will you put on your Not-To-Do list?

Coach Deb

Recently the winter ADDitude magazine featured an article “Call a Truce with Your Teen”by Peter Jaksa Ph.D. I used the article as part of a presentation to a support group and then got to thinking a lot of the article could apply to a spousal or adult ADD situation too.

• Don’t’ punish the biology
• Be democratic (sort of)
• Scale back power struggles
• Keep your cool
• Anticipate problems
• Make rules you can enforce
• Stay in the present
• Let your spouse vent
• Stand firm on tough issues

1. Don’t’ punish the biology.  Don’t get upset about things out of their control (emotional meltdown is not being bad, forgetfulness or disorganization is not voluntary).  Take time to think is this an ADD issue or was there a choice being made.  Help them find an organizational and time management system that will work for them.  Do get upset with destructive behavior that involved choice such as shoplifting, speeding, driving after drinking are all choices.

1. Be democratic (sort of).  Discuss areas that upset you and determine what would be acceptable to you and then come to conscientious with your spouse.  Have regular family meetings or spousal meetings 1/wk help create atmosphere of belonging, cooperation, acceptance and communication.  Solicit everyone’s opinions for grievances and complaints Once agreeable behavior is determined everyone abides. What are the agreed upon consequences?

1.  Scale back power struggles.  Be clear of what you expect of your spouse. Agreements are written down and signed as contract (chores, financial responsibilities, spending) a few important agreements with frequent reminders and consistent enforcement work the best.  Ask how does your spouse want you to remind them?   

1. Keep your cool.  When you let emotions explode so will your spouse.  They may argue just to get the adrenaline rush calmly and firmly talk about the agreements “if you abuse it you lose it” You break an agreement you face the consequences.

1. Anticipate problems.  What will you do if spouse breaks your rules, calls you names, get’s physical with you, doesn’t come home, drinks and drives, has affair, these are some that need to be in the agreement with consequences before they happen so you can calmly deal with them and have a plan in place

1. Make rules you can enforce.  Never fight a battle you can’t win or have an agreement you can’t enforce.  Being home by 1AM you can enforce.  Don’t spend time with friends who get you in trouble is not enforceable

1. Stay in the present.  Don’t bring up the past deal with current issue and save the long lectures and I told you so’s, they only elevate the emotions. Use “I” messages.

1. Let your spouse vent.  Acknowledge angry feelings but don’t criticize them as long as they don’t become abusive.  Teach them the difference between angry feelings and angry acts NO physical anger toward people or property is allowed it not followed call the police some lines can not be crossed.

1. Stand firm on tough issues.  Major offenses always require consequences, zero tolerance for dangerous or illegal behavior. Take action when agreement and law violations occur.

Here is to a great 2009 and better spousal relationships

Coach Deb

I was recently speaking to an ADHD support group on Helping Your Teen Soar and when I came to the slide to explain a body double I had a revelation.

I was explaining that a body double is the need to simply have another person in the room with you. By the presents of the other person you are able to focus and accomplish your task. My insight like a V-8 slap on the forehead, was that many times the body double is actually just bringing a calming energy and presents to the other person.

Many times I have people that I am coaching or facilitating in a support group say that I am so calm and have a calming affect. I shared this with the group and one of the participants said an ADHD friend of hers had just said the same thing to her. That when she is with her she brings a calming energy that helps the ADHD friend focus.

Many people are very sensitive to energy and don’t really realize it. They may realize that they are affected by crazy and negative energy but not aware of how the presents of calming energy has been a gift to them many times without them realizing it.

One of the greatest gifts that you can give your ADHD friends and families is the gift of your calming presence. I would love to hear your thoughts. Just click on comments and send them to me.

Here is to a calm holiday season,
Coach Deb

What happens in relationships where the conversation starts to go down hill and turn into an argument?  How can you stop or avoid the path to an argument?

In my experience the conversation starts to go south when:

• Symptoms of ADD such as forgetfulness, not completing tasks, not finishing project start to annoy the spouse or boss
• Someone brings up something negative or embarrassing from the past to devalue the person (you never finish one thing that you start, look at the retaining wall, the trim in the dining room ECT.)
• This in turn brings shame
• The person who is shamed will either retaliate or in the case of most people who have ADD they will shut down and withdraw
• The withdrawal then bring up the request to pay attention, listen to me, answer me

This will then quite often start the circle all over again. 

So how do you stop it?  Not let the ADD symptoms show up?  How realistic is that? Besides some of those ADHD symptoms are what attracted you to that person in the first place.

Here are some things to try.  See what works for you.

• Agree to never bring up issues from the past is one way to start.  It may not stop the argument but may reduce the shame and withdrawal. 
• Agree to ONLY talk about the present and what is happening now.
• If you need time to think about what you want to say then say, “let me think about that and get back to you in 10 minutes” and follow through.
• If you need time to cool off tell them, “I really can’t talk about this now I need 10 minutes and then I will be back”.
• Use “I” messages “I feel sad when you say that.” “That really hurts me when you do say things like that” “I need you to stop for 5 minutes.”  ECT.  By using the “I” messages it will take the emotions and accusations out of the discussions so that you can both hear what the other is saying instead of planning your next words
• Share what it is that you really want or are upset about.

Try some of these and let me know how they work.  What else works for you please share your techniques and strategies?  Do you have a signal to stop?  I don’t have all the answers, I am always learning from my groups and clients so help me and others continue to learn by sharing with us.

Coach Deb